insomnia

the idea of sleep bewilders me. how can the mind suddenly lose consciousness? the more and more i think about it i can't go to sleep. i went from couch, to bed, to different bed, to couch, back to bed, and now to the computer, unable to go to sleep. each time, i keep thinking about the act of sleeping itself and how strange it is. is this considered insomnia? some nights its almost like i fear this same routine where i am unable to fall asleep and the when the alarm clock goes off you realize how screwed you are for the next morning. help! i need to go to sleep.

let down - the emptiest of feelings

every now and then we have the tendencies to feel distraught or insignificant. usually, when we experience depression or have been let down we at least have feelings that define what we are. they make us feel good about ourselves. that passionate feeling when you're depressed, like everything in world revolves around you but suddenly looses inertia and you lose it all. that feeling, ironically feels almost like a high. we would definitely not classify it with a positive connotation, but it definitely exists. but what happens when we no longer have that feeling? you're left with nothing? you feel nothing? and its not bullshit, you actually dont feel any emotion. it kinda doesn't make sense, but it would feel terrible to feel nothing? its like, wouldn't we rather be upset rather than genuinely apathetic? i feel as if i am writing this blog because i am experiencing the emptiest of feelings, hence this blog will be very terrible due to the lack of passion ive had in the past. yet, i am still writing, so that must mean something.

one aspect of life that ive began to notice was a sudden shift in perspective ive recently had. unsure of the cause or reason, i have began to notice the beauty out of the things in our world that i have never noticed before. i know that things sounds very arbitrary but at the moment i can't really comprehend what i'm trying to say. ive found that i am accustomed to the search for complexity or uniquess, but i often overlook not necessarily simplicity but the things in life that i have never noticed before. its like when someone says, hey i've seen you before. yeah you come to that one place a lot. "well, ive never seen you before" "you must have not been looking". its almost a big smack to the face. okay, you're a piece of shit that has become obsessed with being something alternative. this new perspective ive somehow obtained has been very beneficial in my musical apsects of life. recently, ive been able to really "get into" the song i'm playing, even if its just a simple little cover i learned. maybe, the reason why ive been doing this is to fulfill the whole emptiest of feelings idea (see above). yeah, thats probably it. oh and i walked by this picture of me in my hallway. i was probably in 3rd or 4th grade and the picture was taken with me standing and smiling next to this huge fruit/veggies stand in the Pike place market in seattle. ive never noticed until then that over 20 different kinds of peppers hung from the low roof the fruit/veggie stand. it was beautiful, but then again... it was always beautiful..

winston