unforgettable

as i enter a few weeks or so into the new year, i have seen that i haven't made much improvement in the department of keeping things. since the beginning of the school season i have lost many objects: at least 5 or 6 water bottles, 2 jackets, 1 peacoat, 1 pair of hard lens contacts, 1 pair of glasses, 1 pair of shoes, 1 bible, 1 laptop charger, 1 tie, many t shirts, many socks, and many many pens and pencils (this is not anything special). And those are just some of the things that I haven't been able to find. i've probably lost my phone at least a dozen times and currently i have just lost my phone, my brand new laptop charger, and probably my sanity. the cause its probably a lack of sleep, but if i thought about it a little more, its probably all the time i invest google searching articles, copying and pasting them to word documents, then underlining and bolding words that distort the meaning of the actual articles. all this time i spent probably won't mean anything in the future, yet it seems like hundreds and even thousands of debaters go through the same thing each night. we take it a bit too seriously, and i'm afraid it will take a toll. and while we forget the wordly things of this life, i just hope i won't be as forgotten as this post will be in a few weeks.

in the way she breathes

i need to clear my head. confusion and burden is plaguing my mind and i miss having that gentle, yet powerful drive to play music. its as if i can feel the purity of this feeling as i write...the sounds of the pick sweeping across the strings, the soft screech of a sliding hand, and the ever-so-often buzz of the strings touching the fretboard's rosewood. its all warmth. sometimes its difficult to express emotions and i often find it even more difficult to articulate what i mean to say. that is, i am too confused to know any path of action to take because i am far too overwhelmed with emotions of frustration, sadness, and love. these are the things that need to be put in song. the things that we can't express, the things that make us want to sing and scream and die and live. after all, this is what makes a song beautiful. how else can our hearts be broken? i miss doing this. i miss making the thing that i love the most. its depressing to see that the notebook my sister got me at the start of the school year to be nearly blank, and its even more depressing that i don't know where it is. interestingly enough, this lack of music, this lack of life has coincided with all the confusion and all the burdens that i have made in the past year or so. its a movie without a soundtrack. no climax and with no end. the sounds of indescribable, unarticulated emotion is all but absent. i don't want to lose her.

fake plastic trees/american beauty

hi. today, i write from my bed, which is monumental because i usually find myself intently glued to a computer screen with my back upright against a chair of some sort. while my body aches from these awkward position, i am still able to remain in it for hours. i know, its almost nauseating, it almost makes me as sick as it makes me bitter or remarkably depressed. i'm mixing things up today.

sometimes i feel that all of these poorly crafted blogs will all sound the same old shit that we have been contemplating for years. i am almost positive that i was, and will not be the first to talk about abstract subjects and things that are not really that abstract. it must have been nice to be the first though.

by all means, if i had the choice i would make this blog a bit less of a bitchfest, or actually much more coherent of consistent, or whatever that means, but i guess we've been playing this game for ages.

today, i watched a movie, putting me in a familiar, yet unfamiliar state of mind. its like i've been in these moods before (as evident throughout my blogs), but each time is different and was trigged by something unique.......... Movies are only for entertainment...........sure, emotions rise and tears fill up after will smith cries in the pursuit of happiness, but after we leave the theater, its back to drive throughs and unauthentic Chinese food where we'll be back to our computer screens or sofa coaches, pursuing happiness. i'm just an average suburbanite that dies. ..........do you ever feel like you don't exist? not in a literal sense, but like nothing seems to have a positive or negative effect on you. is it apathy? or is it emotion? no, this isn't rhetorical.....here i am in bed, typing away what i can't seem to articulate. maybe its when we can no longer articulate emotion we end up with a lack of emotion. its actually not that strange that i care. there is so much beauty in the world, and its killing me. but i have to ignore it so i can function. it wears me out.