treefingers

I find myself in a state of surreal existence. whats being mistaken as depth, is mainly contributed to the late night hours of diluted attention and the gentle sound of radiohead, crackling away smoothly as it always has, but never has before. it surely has been a long while since i have last utter words about my ever so confusing lifestyle. a mix of addiction and purpose has gotten me into a complex battle against my insecurities where the choice of wielding words like swords takes a proxy between the reality of the situation. yet life goes on as it always done. i feel as if im a tourist, visiting a stranger in another form. i have overcomed insomnia since, yet i choose to torture my mind, but feed my soul.

sometimes beauty has no lyrics. words, description, and type have led to an obsession of expression. express yourself or die. we often forget that some of the most indescribable things in truth. no, its not silence, its just music. the sound of discourse is pleated by the beautiful, beautiful sound of treefingers. will this beauty reverberate as long as the truth can last.

its true. hard work pays off. after a week of relentless preparation, success was made. the score two, and the feelings of accomplishment follows such accomplishment. but sometimes hard work isn't enough. sometimes, after all we do, after all we can do, or after all we COULD HAVE DONE, someone that seemed so invincible........... is suddenly gone. it is an overwhelming feeling of loss that we're often too shocked to even respond properly. but how can we respond? NONE OF US ON THIS GODFORSAKEN WORLD WOULDN'T AND COULDN'T KNOW A THING ABOUT THAT. Why is that we continue to live our lives on so normally, ignoring the tragedies of the past? Is it selfishness? Or is that bullshit excuse that, oh he would want us to be happy??? Yet at the same time, while i admire the few that have been torn apart by this loss, i ask, "can't you be torn apart without blatantly showing it?" This sounds horribly cruel, and it most definitely is. But the truth is if you're displaying your heart for the world to see, please DON'T answer the question, "how are you doing?" that is for true love ones, true friends. and if they are true, they won't really answer your question because while they're soul is dying on the inside, they're presentation is of composure.

As i sit here i wait for the ceremonies later in the day. we'll miss you so much. it has truly been a shocking loss that has almost as shockingly, taught us all a powerful lesson. while you're life wasn't worth a lesson, you have taught us how to appreciate each other. maybe one day we will finally understand the reasons for our loss and until that day we miss you so much. purify the colors, purify my mind and spread the ashes of color over this heart of mine. rest in peace.

insomnia

the idea of sleep bewilders me. how can the mind suddenly lose consciousness? the more and more i think about it i can't go to sleep. i went from couch, to bed, to different bed, to couch, back to bed, and now to the computer, unable to go to sleep. each time, i keep thinking about the act of sleeping itself and how strange it is. is this considered insomnia? some nights its almost like i fear this same routine where i am unable to fall asleep and the when the alarm clock goes off you realize how screwed you are for the next morning. help! i need to go to sleep.

let down - the emptiest of feelings

every now and then we have the tendencies to feel distraught or insignificant. usually, when we experience depression or have been let down we at least have feelings that define what we are. they make us feel good about ourselves. that passionate feeling when you're depressed, like everything in world revolves around you but suddenly looses inertia and you lose it all. that feeling, ironically feels almost like a high. we would definitely not classify it with a positive connotation, but it definitely exists. but what happens when we no longer have that feeling? you're left with nothing? you feel nothing? and its not bullshit, you actually dont feel any emotion. it kinda doesn't make sense, but it would feel terrible to feel nothing? its like, wouldn't we rather be upset rather than genuinely apathetic? i feel as if i am writing this blog because i am experiencing the emptiest of feelings, hence this blog will be very terrible due to the lack of passion ive had in the past. yet, i am still writing, so that must mean something.

one aspect of life that ive began to notice was a sudden shift in perspective ive recently had. unsure of the cause or reason, i have began to notice the beauty out of the things in our world that i have never noticed before. i know that things sounds very arbitrary but at the moment i can't really comprehend what i'm trying to say. ive found that i am accustomed to the search for complexity or uniquess, but i often overlook not necessarily simplicity but the things in life that i have never noticed before. its like when someone says, hey i've seen you before. yeah you come to that one place a lot. "well, ive never seen you before" "you must have not been looking". its almost a big smack to the face. okay, you're a piece of shit that has become obsessed with being something alternative. this new perspective ive somehow obtained has been very beneficial in my musical apsects of life. recently, ive been able to really "get into" the song i'm playing, even if its just a simple little cover i learned. maybe, the reason why ive been doing this is to fulfill the whole emptiest of feelings idea (see above). yeah, thats probably it. oh and i walked by this picture of me in my hallway. i was probably in 3rd or 4th grade and the picture was taken with me standing and smiling next to this huge fruit/veggies stand in the Pike place market in seattle. ive never noticed until then that over 20 different kinds of peppers hung from the low roof the fruit/veggie stand. it was beautiful, but then again... it was always beautiful..

winston

smile. im engulfed with the utter sounds of warmth, reaching and touching every end of my bones. who would have suspected this power to be one of chilling effects and yet at the same time, one of ever-lasting happiness. perhaps, the world never stops and wars rage on, but i am content, i am satisfied. this doesn't happen often, despite the instance where i wrote about a certain perculiar happiness i was feeling on this blog for no particular reason at all. no, this feeling, this warmth sinks and falls much deeper and almost darker, into my lungs, my iron lung. simple breaths of inhalations stimulate a reaction within my body with a seemingless powerful uniqueness, but it a disbelief of familarity. i dont reject, but i disbelieve and disinterest myself from this disbelief. for indifference and apathy serves as the best antidote to these feelings of redunancy, and denial and denial. the power of touch and the power abstract, often finds itself under scrutitant interperation, and false diction for that matter. visualize. nature provides wondrous products that i have found intuitive, especially in the sense of apply nature to human nature. consider an aloe vera plant. undoubtebly, the healing and cleansing plant of our age and the age of past centuries, i find it very alluding. this idea of healing by touch that nature can offer, is not available to human nature in the physical, scientifical sense but aren't the masses distant from the aloe for our lives? i think at one point in each of our lives, at least one point, we played this antidotal role as a symbol ready to heal others, yet going unnoticed, unappreciated, but especially untouched. thus, another vicious cycle arises in our system, where natures characteristics can't be seen in human nature. but when it does happen, and when we are noticed, appreciated, and touched, we have experienced an indescriable, unfathomable amount of happiness. however, this does not happen often, and i believe i have entered that realm if not still encapsulated by its warmth, still feel its after-shock. with my failed attempt for apathy for all the imaginary blog readers (on the pretense of judging), i don't care, i don't care, i don't care at all. with that, i give you the unfinished rough draft of the only song that i have learned to love.

the way we heal

lately i ve been feeling thin, but with longer skin

oh would you notice me...?

or maybe touch me?

feeling full of righteousness

its chilling to the bones

ohh, heal me

feel the ah

feel the irony

but so what? its still so beautiful

sing it loud

shout, heal me, heal me and the world

with life and vitality,

its just so green in here

overwhelmed in whats faced as nothing...

i sense darkness here, beneath the surface

i deem abstract near, between the seams

either hear or fear the power of touch, you'll stil heal me.

so feel the ah

the irony

and fall troubled, "where can we find a lonely, lovely soul?

heal me

always heal me and the world

house of cards

"I don't wanna be your friend, I just wanna be your lover [mr. purpose of life]"

- Radiohead

Its been a while since i've last updated. a few weeks of school, books, and running can really maniuplate and even distract the abstractions of our minds. they say that that we need to control ourselves from being distracted but we often find ourselves being led away by the very things that we are to supposebly to focus on.

so as a testiment against the misconceieved distractions of our society's system, i offer a pointless, mindless abstraction...or shall i say distraction...

if it isn't already obvious enough or already obviously observed, movies without music would be horrible. whether it be that conspicuous murder scene or that "boy finally gets the girl" clip, the music always plays an imperative role to the movie, buidling suspense, aiding in the "butterflies in stomach" effect, or even as the backtrack to the person you're slobbering over. but beyond the movie screen and make believe, we often find ourselves under the spotlight with the music rising. at the end of every movie there is that certain "exit music", usually being the movie's theme song or a more light hearted song to humor the audience. what about us? what will be our exit music when we pass on from this world? will we find ourselves laughing or shocked by discourse? again, i leave these questions open because once more i don't have the answers... our ears should be burning. denial, denial.

i wish i could fly like peter pan

its strange when one finds themselves in a overwhelming sense of happiness for no specific reason whatsoever. not the type that invovles gratitude and thanks, not the type that invovles that special someone, but something along the lines of blissfulness, if thats a word. this blog again invovles radiohead, a band that recently has been like the ironic soundtrack to my dull life. while each song yields that aspect of mastery, my life has been quite the opposite. i.e. me sitting here at this computer, blogging about the most insignificant moments of my life. yet it is in these moments where one finds the true beauty of life. you don't need to have something going for you to be happy. i think that these silly moments by yourself are underated.

what would it be like to fly like peter pan? i ask myself this everytime bones by Radiohead gets to that line, which is by far the most intense part of the song. i asked my friend this and he had the troubling question, "wouldn't you never learn anything or gain knowledge if you were peter pan?" knowledge. its well important isnt it? i mean without knowledge or gaining new knowledge how would we ever learn from our mistakes? but in the magical world of peter pan, does knowledge matter? is it okay to be oblivious to your situation even if you are the happiest guy in the world? while ive been told to comfront problems head on, sometimes i just want to fly away like peter pan, but most times i can't.

while talking to robyn i discovered that homecoming this year is on the 3rd of august, and the football season doesn't start until the 22nd of september. as i recall, the 18th of september has no holiday or real importance to me, but this year, the 18th of september will surely be a turning point in my life. the chance to give others music is an amaizng privellege and that i am truly happy out of gratitude... lets go flying

my iron lung

Listening to Radiohead all day can really mess with your head... and that I mean physically. something about the combination of three guitars, Thom Yorke's incognito piercing falsetto voice, and alien like effects gives you a bit of a headache. Earlier this morning, I headed over to the ol' school for Cross Country and I realized that I hate running. I realized that any sane person would think that running for long distances is just insane. Running is not discomfort, its pain. Yet despite the fact that Radiohead drives my mind crazy and despite the fact that running isn't exactly friendly to my shins, they both possess a certain quality that seems to be unique. While the actual process of running sucks, the reward is so great. That reward is simply the thought of accomplishment. But doesn't that beg the question, just because I've found a ridiculous way to make myself feel better, does that really mean I AM better? What is the purpose to do anything that only helps yourself, or helps others to achieve a goal that was just made to make THEM feel better?

I don't know where I'm going with this, but its time for dinner. I'm seeing the guys later tonight to work on our setlist for the show. Hopefully, it wont result in me slapping someone in the face :)

Keep it real

Winston

thoughts

A few months ago, I discovered a new love. That love was blogging. Initially, I started to kind of blog on these notes under my Band's facebook group. But then I realized... I needed a real blog. I always heard of the fuss about blogging. Some of my favorite musicians write them so I said why not... Anyways, this is bit of lame blog, but its a start. I'll be writing updates about Incognition and everything, but this site will mainly be for my personal thoughts, elaborations, and blogs of randomness.....

now the hard part..... who can I get to read this?

Peace